so what?

And you open the door and you step inside.
We are inside of our heart.
That's right, your pain, the pain itself, is a white bulb of healing light.

I don't think so.
This is your life. Doesn't get any better than this.
This is your life. And it's ending one minute at a time.

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idiots often make big money, but they are more likely to be considered artists.
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I hope you are thinking about me:)?

girlfriend is great, have i said it already?

but this makes me think that sometimes you need to tell lies in order to make people believe a truth. i don't know if this concept is understandable...

i mean, i could easily reply something like "of course i've been thinking of you all day!" and it's the truth but it's such a classic-o that it can hardly be believed. then you gotta make up some story about the day and put it in a kind-a dressed-up/colorized way so that it can actually be believed. but you are lying (partly)...



sometimes i think too much.
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i can't remember the last time i felt so good.

wow. did i really say that?
and i even meant it!

my stomach hurts. girl you can't do this. you can't get a boy so excited and for such a long period and then negate him the ultimate act...

sensuality.
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News from The New Scientist of this week:

A research group located in Gdansk, Poland has supposedly recently come out with the very first example of AI, aka Artificial Intelligence. They claim to have set a device to behave independently from its owner's commands, taking instead decisions on its own after comprehensive analysis of the owner's life and needs. The complicated algorithm (it is said to be more then 100 times as powerful as the world-known Google searching algorithm) showed some weaknesses when it came to establish which of two given options would actually improve the owner's current situation, but this is mainly due to "the profound lack of morality that the entire world undergoes", then to a specific mistake in the code of the device, as the scientists defend themselves.

Said device, a simple mobile phone re-programmed from the research lab, was substituted to the owner's original without him being aware of the experiment. His reactions have been monitored by hidden cameras and microphones. It appears that in the 7-days experiment, such mobile changed the year of it's internal clock to 2008 in order to prevent the owner from setting the alarm to an hour that would certainly not give him enough sleep. As soon as the owner realized and corrected the mistake, a second-level decision was taken and the alarm was simply not set off at any attempt to set it any time before 11.30 am. The second interesting act of the mobile was to eliminate at once and without warning the whole list of contacts, making the owner understand that happiness does not come from the average number of people one is able to meet (and get the number) in a month.

A long road has still to be taken, since this is quite a rudimentary tools, but the enthusiastic research group claims "the first step has been made, since now on we can throw away our SUV and ride a bike since the road will be descending".

While ambientalists protest that SUV's should have never existed at first, more serious doubts come from the international community. The famous magazine Hippies Above The Ground affirms that ever since man invented machines, they have been acting on their own will, quoting in particular the studies of Dr. Murphy. In one of the side-researches that brought him to formulate the famous law

If something can go wrong, it will.

he proved that a machine (i.e. a non-living being built by a human being to facilitate man's labour), even though generally deprived of a will, always knows when it's the best time to stop functioning creating the highest damage possible.
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girlfriend was away for the weekend and she missed me and i can't wait to see her tonight. we talked on GG about how we met in hi-fi, why she shouldn't be jelaous if other girls look at me, why her friends gave her the best advice ever on that first night and other girly things. i understood that when i'm dancing with my friends and no girl is around us it's because polish guys cut them out, not because they don't want to be close to us.
it somehow pull syou down to know that i won't be able to flirt anymore... it's time for my imagination to make up the best excuses ever and go out without her once or twice a week...

and fuck it's like +7 outside and it's windy and rainy and all wet and there's no heat whatsoever! and we are so lucky because in 7 days (that is, SEVEN FUCKIN' DAYS!) they're cutting out the hot water for the WHOLE MONTH!!

YOU insane hot water people think us poor students can bear anything just because we are too busy partying and studying and partying to complain??
AGH!
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now who the hell had the smart idea of changing my mobile clock to year 2008?

it took me just a week of chronic oversleeping to understand that there was something wrong with my mobile alarm, and not with me.
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girlfriend makes me laugh, but sometimes takes me too seriously...
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there's no more time.

i'm not ok at all, or maybe i'm too ok. things are going better and better every day and every time the sun goes down is one more step toward the end of my stay in this place.

there's no more time and there's too much to do.

girlfriend is great, but it's not what i want in this so particular moment of my life. why didn't i meet her some months ago?

i will have to find an excuse not to meet her tomorrow...
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and tonight i went to outsider to play pool with some friends and i met girlfriend. girlfriend was there for the karaoke night. me and girlfriend didn't tell each other we were going out.

it was a kind of weird atmosphere between us...

oh well
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April 23, 2006

Dear Mr. buldozer,

I am experiencing a serious bullying situation which I have been trying to resolve for the past 21 years. This includes verbal bullying, social bullying, cyber bullying, dating aggression. My involvement is as someone who has bullied.

After having had some time to think about the situation, I would like to express to you my feelings: it's just so right, you can't really avoid it so go poo

I have tried to improve the situation by: killing and torturing

I would also like: to experience a prison

Thank you,


______________________
your bad self
Grade 18
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last night, btw, i downloaded a porn [note: the link is not to a porn video, it's to a funny video family-safe really worth it, so click with no fear ;) ]. it was the classic boss-secretary couple, and it lasted about 15 minutes, of which about 3 of speaking and 12 of sex. a couple fo things surprised me...

this time the excuse to fuck was this sentence, by the secretary:

You know, I like you.
You are not like all other bosses, you don't want to fuck your secretary. [ya right...]
I want to fuck you.

the boss then started kissing and touching her immediately, as we said before, just like he didn't want to fuck her.

the other thing is that her orgasm was the fakest ever. not only she simulated it, which can be considered not so strange, but they even edited the video with some heavy and bad cut and paste to give it some credibility (action that miserably failed in its pourposes).
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my best friend told me she's sick of me.

i'm pretty sure she doesn't know me (any more), but that doesn't matter. i'm not going to explain to her who i am nor i'm going to change for her. but this is not the point. the point is that she can't stand me anymore because i haven't looked in her eyes for the past 5 months.

we've been living in two different countries for so long and our only communication has been going through ICQ. which is words + 12 stupid smilies that i stopped using quite soon. i changed, and she understood it i think, but she still can't figure out how i changed. the words written on a keyboard and transmitted hundreds of kilometers from here are nothing. a simple look in the eyes can not only say much more, but even invert the meaning of any given sentence.

over the lest months, she's been misinterpreting my words, probably partly because of my intensive use of irony. so fuck instant messaging you gonna ruin me! oh if only i had a webcam and she quit this stupid thing of "one and only one program on my computer or the hard drive is gonna burn" and installed wengo!

but she got one thing right: i do judge everything and everybody and i do believe i'm superior (to most of the rest of the living beings).
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un-fuckin-believable

if i'm with a girl you don't call me. you just ignore me. U FUCKIN DISAPPEAR!!!
especially if you're a dumbass girl and then u come next to me and smile in that stupid idiot way u only can.

that's twice in a weekend for good old -i feel so- & -i'm not ok' so what with that? and it wasn't even my fault last night.
but why da fuck did u do it twice??? not one, 2!!

'Cause
I feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so callused
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful

except i don't feel cheap at all, i feel like somebody fucked me right on the thing that mattered to me the most in that moment and the whole night went to hell.

for those who are wondering what happened last night, i met a girl on the dance floor. dance'n'chat for some 20 minutes or so and then these 3 girlfriends of mine (like they are female friends, not like i'm with them) show up in a place where i would never expect them. nothing bad with that, but i'm with another girl, i glance at them and smile briefly to aknowledge them but at the same time stay cool with the girl i'm with. let 1 minute pass and that bitch holds my arm and wants me to hug and kiss them. like i'm fuckin dancing with somebody, would you just leave me alone? i turn around and the girl is gone. she had a train in a couple of minutes and she had to go and i didn't have time to get her number and i was really liking her shitfuck!

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
Well, I'm not okay
I'm not o-fucking-kay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
(Okay)

i run in the street to try to find her but hell knowd where she is in that crowd.
ok, back in the club, the night is young. i tell my friend that it's much better for everybody if she ignores me since then on and i do believe i was quite clear and firm with that. another girl sees me, smiles and gets closer to me. i move my steps to approach her and in that very moment there they come again, dancing around me this time and smiling at me. and the girl goes away...

now what happened is not that important after all, but it just pisses me off when somebody fucks me like that. is it so hard to understand that if a friend of yours has company, you leave him alone? didn't think so.
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it was such a long fuckin time since the last time i listened to that couple of songs just out of bed
i'm talking about "I Feel So - Boxcar Races" and "I'm Not Ok (I Promise) - My Chemical Romance"

not many things could go wrong last night, and all of them did. plus a few others just because. and i'm late with university. fuckin spring! it was supposed to be a better time!!!!

i don't know where's the point where i missed the right turn, but it wasn't even funny...
i feel so cinical and sarcastic today that you better NOT TALK TO ME!
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when i was 15 i used to go to the cinema with my gf so i had an excuse to hold her hand and steal a kiss, in the dark, away from the crowd...
i'm quite sure i didn't give a fuck of the movie.

when i bring a girl now to the cinema it's because i want to have a walk with her BEFORE and have something to talk about AFTER. and please be quiet during the movie, i'm trying to watch it...
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how bout some music today??
Mass Kotki - Sex & Violence
Miss Kittin - Frank Sinatra

enjoy

plus i realized that in a not-so-old post i was talking about other bloggers and i gave you the name but i forgot to link them, which made them basically useless since on the internet a person is nothing without a link. so:
JaG
Phil
LeDemure

aaaaaand....
I KNEW IT!
i'm cool and i have great ideas and imagination and i am most of the times the best at things that i do really well. if that doesn't make much sense to you read it the other way or upside down, it works as well
but that also implies big responsabilty (apart from a developed sense of foolishness) and big responsability means that now i gottta learn how to model 3D with Rhino in two days to present my project to the professors.
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a 14-hour party on saturday night is not always as good as it may sound, especially when it comes to the warm sunny sunday afternoon.

not to talk about the people playing soccer and having a barbecue out of my window, while i'm stuck working in front of the pc...

shit
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is it so sweet when a girl smiles at you as she sees you just awake in the morning

words are useless time-fillers
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to all the girls out there reading my blog: is it normal that a girl wants to sleep with a boy (me), and by sleep i mean sleep - hugging but no kissing at all?? or is it me? please tell me, have you ever wanted to sleep with somebody just for the sake of sleeping, and not wanting anything else from the night?

this, by the way, reminds me of an excerpt from "The Unbearable Lightness of Being" -if i remember correctly- by Milan Kundera, a book that i loved. for as far as i remember, it said

A man can have sex with as many women as he likes, but he can sleep only with the one he loves.

given that it is true, i love at least four or five girls at the moment; and this would demonstrate that monogamy is against human nature. right?
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the 3 best things of this sailing trip:

no 3. when the edge of the boat touches the water under the strong wind and everybody is like "god help me i'm a-gonna die" and you smile and feel the adrenaline and that makes your day
no 2. when you feel that everything is moving once you step back on earth
no 1. ricotta cheese pancake topped with chocolate and cream

i saw the fear in the eyes of the guy that rented us the boat, fear itself caused by the sight of the fear in the eyes of the skipper as he tried unsuccessfully to get us out of the harbour. our skipper didn't know that to turn right you gotta turn the engine to the other side
i saw the boat turning almost uncontrolled under the low wind as our skipper had no idea whatsoever of how to tense the sails
i saw the rudder breaking since our skipper forgot to take it out of the water while in the harbour
i saw the boat drift toward the low-water grass as the skipper had the great idea of putting up the sail with the wind on the side and the engine shut down
i saw blood on the hands of the whole crew as we pulled the grass to get the boat back in the open water
i unfortunately didn't see the look in my eyes when, later on, our skipper told me that he had never sailed again after, eight years before, he had taken the licence.

it was a hard situation. what do you do when your experience is clearly much much bigger then the almost non-existent skipper's experience? on one hand the rule wants that you obey to any command the skipper gives you, no matter what. this is for the simple reason that in case of emergency the skipper must have the authority to give quick and precise orders to get the boat out of trouble. on the other hand every decision he took - whenever he felt like taking a decision instead of just waiting for something to happen - was getting us in a situation even worse then before. the third day he fortunately understood that it was better for everybody if he listened to my advices, and when we reached the rest of the boats that started with us, one day later, we got a new skipper.

we visited twice as many ports as the rest of the boats as every night we ended up where we were not supposed to be. we had warm teas after a day in the wind. we had campfires and sausages. we had beer, wodka and champagne. we sang and we sailed. we pulled ropes. we didn't get wet. i didn't meet a friend of mine that was on the same lake. we were chased by another team, for a picture. we gave way to a boat that was supposed to give way to us. we felt the wind on the skin and in the bones. we slept not so much in fact. we almost got stuck in shallow waters. we looped around the cormorans' island. we laughed.

[OFF TOPIC]
lately i've been linked by some of the bloggers i appreciate the most and that i've been reading the most in the last months, namely phil, jag and ledemure. it feels good. check them out.
this also makes me think that on my side instead i stopped surfing blogs, commenting and linking... for bad or for good?
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